It was one of those seemingly uneventful starless nights when all that was visible amidst the dark backdrop was just the Moon, pregnant with light. I had been chasing a wild animal yet I was stopped in my tracks because as I was gaining speed and about to let go of my bowstring, the animal’s eyes flashed with reflected moonlight and caught me off guard. The beast ran away into the woods and I stood on that bare spot, dazed and dumbfounded. I then felt a sudden pain in my chest, as if I have been hit by my own arrow but I wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do so I decided to retreat and go home.
While walking and chasing my dark shadow, I felt again the unbearable pain in my chest and heard the incessant throbbing of my heart. I believed that I would collapse and lose my consciousness if I could not get to the tribe shaman’s tepee sooner. As I followed the trail of smoke that distinctively arose from his tent, I was surprised to see him come out of it and greeted me with his open arms. Teary-eyed, I was moved. It was like coming home to a father, even though he was not. Every person in our tribe treated him like he was our father and he in return treated all of us like his own children. Being the father we saw him to be, he must have felt my presence from afar and realized that I needed comfort that’s why I sought him.
He parted the entrance to the tepee and led me inside. There was a small pot hanging on top of the flames and he went to it, poured out the piping hot liquid into a wooden cup, and ordered me to drink. I followed his order hastily and I almost burned my tongue; I barely tasted the concoction of herbs which almost instantly made me feel a little bit better. He ordered me to sit down and I found my way to the block of wood where I always sat whenever I went there for a visit. He on the other hand, sat at the center of the Circle, beside the fire, where the flames reflect the Wisdom in his eyes.
“My child, I know that you are aware why you are feeling this way…and it’s not because you have failed to conquer what you have been chasing. You are not like most women in this village and you have proven that time and again, sometimes to the extent of becoming the subject of idle chit-chat among your peers. They will never understand you unless you will let yourself be understood. However, you don’t owe anybody an explanation of how you became who you are. I just want to remind you though that most of the troubles you are experiencing now are rooted inside of yourself. Don’t you think it is better that you slow down and maybe reflect for a while on what you really intend to do in your life? Have you ever thought of doing less strenuous work in the village instead of running around and hunting in the woods? Or have you considered arranging a union with a man and raise a family perhaps?”
I was taken aback by his questions. The shaman never spoke of those things to me whenever we had a chance to sit down in conversation. I was quite adamant and hurriedly replied, “I never thought my hunting is something people should talk about behind my back, nor my not choosing to settle down and make a family and become an obligatory wife to whoever woos me according to his whims! I didn’t grow up in a home where I felt what it is like to be in a real family. The whole village raised me and is my family, yet I never really felt what it is like to have my own mother and my own father that’s why I can’t say if I would ever want to have a family of my own. I don’t know if I will be able to fulfill that role. I am a wandering orphan, I lived my days at the mercy of those who pity my sorry state. I will not yield to domesticity just because I am a woman!”
The shaman fed some twigs to the flame and the fire crackled as I raised my voice. He understood what I meant, he always did but the look in his eyes told me that what he wanted to point out was that I have become too resistant of so many possibilities that came my way; I may have blocked many creative opportunities and in that process have forgotten my principles. As a student of the shaman, I went to him often and learned more about nature and the spirit world as well as other worlds not seen by the naked eye. I have learned and came to believe that everything around us is the Work of One Hand and that Creator resides not only in the things and beings around us but also within us. Vision quests in the past have opened my inner eye to worlds and possibilities I have never imagined; sadly, I got myself distracted with my progress by preventing the changes on this plane from taking its natural course.
In a somber tone the shaman spoke, “Contrary to what you think, not all men are the same. We may all seem identical in your eyes but you know in your heart that we are not! Ha ha ha! Not all men are tough and insensitive. Not all men are weak and defensive. Like women, we could be complicated too but at the end of the day, we only want to rest in the arms of our beloved and feel peace.”
I was silent for a few moments. I have never felt this awkward in his presence. I have always never felt comfortable talking to anybody regarding relationships and other related topics. Maybe he inserted that light laugh to ease the air a little bit.
He then continued, “I know there’s somebody out there who tried to dance by the bonfire with you many moons ago but you ran off even before he got near you…and you’ve been running away ever since. Why? The answer is this: you are surprised that you are not the only one who knows the secrets I have shown you and you are threatened that you may be discovered by that person that you are not as tough as what most people think. I know everything about you my child, so don’t deny it. I know too that you have tried to open yourself and your being to that soul but as you always are, you became threatened that if you showed more of yourself, you will never be the same again.”
I wanted to curl myself up in a ball and cry. I can never hide from the Truth and from the shaman who easily taps into It. I tried to hold back my tears while I tried to sit up straight and looked up to the hole where the smoke comes out from the tent. I thought that maybe if I remained in that position, the tears will not fall down.
The shaman started talking again and his tone became more authoritative, “You have become engrossed with teaching that man how to tap into the Divine Spirit in him and around him, you have forgotten that the Divine Spirit also dwells in you and in him. You have become obsessed with teaching him how to do that and on the process, you have forgotten to teach yourself the lessons you need to learn. You have become preoccupied with the thought of helping him connect to the Source, you on the other hand are on the verge of becoming disconnected because you keep on avoiding the Divine Spirit in you to be tapped.”
I have never expected that the shaman would talk of such things to me. I was appalled and silent. He continued to talk and said, “You have to remember this my child: the more you guard your heart, the farther you become from the Source. There are some things you need to experience in this life and you just have to let things be so you will learn the lessons that come after the challenges.”
After saying what I felt was enough of what he wanted to say, he stood up and stood next to me. I thought he was going to ask me to leave but what he did was pick up my spear, my bow, and my quiver of arrows. He took them and went back to his seat in the Circle. I was prepared for another barrage of wise words but he kept silent. What happened next was something I never expected. The beast I had been chasing earlier, a white wolf, went into the tent and sat by my feet. As a hunter, I squirmed when I saw my failed conquest and I wanted to kill it immediately. However, as an unarmed woman, I decided to sit still and let things be. I knew the shaman would make sure that I would leave his tent unharmed.
The shaman beckoned me to go near him and also gave the same gesture to the wolf. It felt awkward approaching the wise man with an animal by my side yet I trusted that there is a greater purpose why we had to do what we were told to do. When we reached the spot where the shaman sat, he showed us a bowl with water. What we saw were our reflections – I saw my face and the face of the white furred animal. The shaman then took out a pouch and from it, sprinkled a reddish powder into the bowl. Scentless fumes rose up from the water and he made us look into the bowl again. Again I saw my face and the visage of the wolf, but a few moments later, something weird happened to the water in the bowl. My reflection changed and so did the wolf’s. My face became the face of a black wolf while the white wolf’s reflection changed into a man’s face.
Was it magick? Was it witchery? I touched my cheek to feel if my face did become an animal’s face and I was pleased my face remained the same. I turned my head to look at the wolf but I was surprised the one sitting beside me was the man I have been evading for many moons.
The shaman cleared his throat and said this with a smile, “My children, the world has many questions which we want the answers to be made available to us. However, we must remember that the mysteries we seek to unfold are already inside our hearts.” With that said, the shaman stood up and left the tent.
I remained seated by the fire and just stared at my companion. From a distance, I heard a howl break the silence. I just couldn’t help myself but smile.
Then I woke up….
